My face is full of scars.

Permanent marks that tell my story of over 30 years of picking, squeezing, and scratching at my own face. It’s something I never openly talked about before. It’s still tough for me to share. But why is that?

The estimate is that at least 10% of people suffer from Body Focused Repetitive Behaviour such as skin picking or hair pulling at some point in their lives. So why do we struggle so much to open up? For me, it’s because skin picking is something I do to myself, and my lack of control is embarrassing. I’m a strong person and I’ve battled through tough stuff in my life, yet I wear the stress on my face for everyone to see. Picking at my skin is a way I cope. I pick to deal with trauma, stress, anxiety and anger.

That is how it feels for me. I can feel people stare at my face. Their eyes wander to that oozing wound or scab on my chin. I try to hide under thickly caked make-up. But some make-up makes me break out more, causing imperfections to pick more. So it’s been a vicious cycle my entire life. 

There are kindergarten photos of my picked face. I remember telling my mum that I wanted to have freckles and look like characters from my favourite books, when she asked me to stop ripping scabs off. She could never stop my desire to hunt for imperfections in my face and pick them.

I later learned that my condition is called Dermatillomania (skin picking disorder) and that my picking is caused by a mental illness related to dealing with my stress, social anxiety and other strong emotions. The shame I felt about my face affected every part of my day. I was so embarrassed in social situations.

Not even my closest friends knew about my condition, or why I always layer thick make-up over still clearly visible scabs and swollen bumps on my face. My closest family, that know me without make-up, have said “you look like a drug user”, “what’s wrong with you?”, “what have you done, again?”.

What have I done? I only ever realised that after I had done it. The compulsion pulling me to a mirror to investigate imperfections was always so strong. But it doesn’t have to be. Picking was a massive part of my life – “was” – past tense. Because I found a way to overcome my urge to pick. To strengthen my ability to stop. To heal both mentally and physically.

I had to learn valuable coping strategies to come to terms that my picking behaviour doesn’t define who I am as a person. These confidence building strategies are included in my online course, as part of the healing section.